Quidditch in Bed: TextualSphinx's challenge
The following story is based on 'Why Slytherins are Sexier' a
one-shot piece by Textual Sphinx (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=339569
), which came out of the sorting hat song by morrigan.
Most of this is innuendo, and not particularly explicit. However
those of delicate sensibilities should be careful of where they direct
their eyes. For this reason it is rated R. It is inherently sexist.
Details of the challenge:
It must have certain chapter titles and quotations from WSAS.
There is now a Yahoo! group dedicated to this and other fics, giving notification
of updates, and a place to request particular chapters, and discuss fiction
relating to QiB as well as the fic itself.
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Without further ado, May I introduce:
Quidditch in Bed
by Wideshee Hyde and Gohen Seeker
Index:
Chapter 1 ~ The playing
field
Chapter 2 ~ Choosing
your equipment
Chapter 3 ~ Sizing
up the opposition
Chapter 4 ~ Setting
up a match
Chapter 5 ~ Employing a referee
Chapter 6 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Chasing
Chapter 7 ~ Advanced Manoeuvres: Chasing - beating the keeper
Chapter 8 ~ Standard Manoeuvres: Keeper - when you need to fend
them off
Chapter 9 ~ How to be a good sport
Chapter 10 ~ Seeker diversions
Chapter 11 ~ Seeker tactics
Chapter 12 ~ Polishing
your broom
Chapter 13 ~ Equal Scoring
Chapter 14 ~
Your Witch and the Snitch
Chapter 15 ~ After the game - etiquette
Chapter 16 ~ Unforeseen consequences - why you should know your
rules
Chapter 17 ~ Setting up a return match.
Chapter 18 ~ Playing away
Chapter 19 ~ Coping with injuries
Chapter 20 ~ Taking care of your mates
Appendix ~ Spells used in this volume
From the authors: this being a magical book, we made see
fit to update this edition of the book as and when tactics change. Quidditch
being the eternal pursuit that it is, we do not anticipate such changes.
However if they do occur, I hope you enjoy them.
Chapter 1: The Playing field
The point of this little book is to help a wizard to catch the
snitch in the most enjoyable ways possible. Quidditch relies on the abilities
of the individual wizard, and if one member of the team is deficient
in the sport it lets the side down. The future of the game relies on
your acquiring sufficient expertise to play a good game. Like quidditch
this activity when played well is extremely pleasurable, and is best played
in an atmosphere of sporting behaviour.
It is important to survey the whole stadium, before you begin,
in order to look out for potential pitfalls, and also for possibilities
for easy scoring. Playing predictably is the fastest way to lose, but
if you have a well-executed manoeuvre, then stick with it, as it will
improve your confidence.
As with any game of quidditch, excessive consumption of alcohol
before any match is considered ill-advised. Although potions are available
to help in this situation, excessive consumption is the fastest way to
wind up the game with a crashed broom, and no game-plan.
Knowing your territory is important - having your own place in
the changing rooms matters in these situations. Although communal baths
have their place, it isn't considered the most advisable way to begin
a match, unless your witch is a particularly good sport.
Begin the event with good preparation. Look out for missiles that
might mimic the snitch, but prove to be nothing more than a mere distraction
from the real thing.
Know who the opposing team are, and what their weaknesses are.
This is best done by close observation. Casual players may want to skip
on this bit, but the expert quidditch player will know the advantages of
knowing all the manoeuvres and tactics of the opposing team.
Begin by knowing the layout of the stadium - where the nooks and
corners are that might allow you for some covert feinting without actually
having to commit to a particular action
Of course, the point of the game is to get your quaffle through
the hoop, and therefore this text will focus primarily on this aim.
However a word to the wise wizard may be:
Ignore her bludgers at your peril - you miss out on the possibility
of a great deal of entertainment. Unlike your usual bludgers however
they should be treated with a small measure of delicacy. Our Witches
like to be treated with some respect for their person. A poorly handled
bludger may well rear up and cause injury to your face, and I would advise
you to remember this when handling your witch. It isn't simply the bludger,
but the force that is behind it that one should consider when handling
these temperamental objects.
Like your quidditch field, your witch doesn't simply consist of
one hoop. We, the authors, would like to draw attention to the other
hoops, and point out that scoring through these can also be quite satisfactory.
Ultimately of course, the goal is to find that elusive Golden
Snitch, that wins the game, and allows you to head for your shower and
bed, safe in the knowledge that you have played a good game. Unlike
quidditch however, a snitch can be caught by your opposition as well.
This little book will provide you with an all round guide to the
quidditch field. In the interest of equal opportunities and after repeated
requests we have included chapters on equal scoring, and your witch and
the snitch.
Enjoy yourselves
The Authors.
Chapter 2: Choosing your
equipment
Your uniform
Discretion is the better part of valour - there is no need to
be too flash with your cash. On the other hand, you do want to be the
Firebolt amongst the Nimbus series. Take care to co-ordinate with your
friends - you want to stand out just enough from your team-mates, without
actually playing a solo game. Your team-mates are there to make you look
good, just as you are there to play along with their individual duels.
There should be a wide selection of models within your chosen teams -
bluebottles, and shooting stars, as well as Silver Arrows, and the odd
Nimbus.
Basic black robes are always a good place to begin. A word about
transfiguring: don't. You risk having your clothes disappearing back
into rags at an important juncture. Work within your means where you are
able.
Your clothes should emphasise your best features. A generous cut
at the waist can conceal a poor execution, however they should not impair
a rapid about-turn. A 'torulus' charm can improve the way a robe
falls, giving the illusion of a better figure. However, it cannot remove
evidence of an excess of butterbeer.
Should you be flying solo, then ensure that you know your location,
and the type of game that you will be playing.
Protective equipment may be advisable - good abdominal protectors
can be made using a 'vesicarius' charm. These will protect against
most assaults, whilst at the same time allowing friendly contact.
A good quidditch robe should differ from a standard robe in the
following particulars - variety of places in which to hold a wand, numerous
self-styling pockets to conceal your more bulky equipment. The cut should
allow for easy movement, and if caught in an aerial entanglement allow
for rapid egress.
Selecting your spells.
Potions that enhance your sporting prowess are available, but
are not recommended in the spirit of good gamesmanship. Engorgement
Charms, also known as viagra spells are dangerous, unless prescribed
by a reputable medi-wizard. A good cushioning charm is very useful, especially
if she wants to play rough with your broomstick. 'lambricus' is also a
helpful charm for later in the gameplay.
'Orchideous' is always useful, but one is reminded of a
wizard who found himself at the wrong end of a beater's bat, when he was
misheard. 'Corollarium' is less likely to be misunderstood, but
more likely to be mispronounced.
If one is unsure how regularly her broom has been ridden, then
'valetudinus'/valetudina' is a very useful spell for both of you.
A pink glow indicates a broom that is in good shape, green indicates that
you may need to get your broomsticks serviced. If you get a purple glow,
then you should return to the manufacturer post-haste, and make sure
you get a receipt.
Getting to the playing field.
Getting to a match can be tricky. A good floo-repellent on your
face and cloak can save a great deal of embarrassment for the younger
wizard. However this can have the disadvantage of a distinctive and
persistent smell, which may be mistaken for broomstick wax. For the older
wizard Apparition to somewhere in the vicinity of the match is advised.
Landing on one's opposition is not a sensible course, and made induce penalties
for stooging, or even a forfeiture of the entire match. A Port-key is an
unnecessary extravagance for arriving at a date, although may make it a
lot easier to exit from a particularly successful porskoff ploy with grace
and panache. WARNING: these should only be used where the individual is confident
with his use of the charm, and should be wand-activated, rather than on
a timer. This makes it a lot easier to evade opposition beaters. (See also
Chapter 18 for advice on diversionary tactics).
Ensure that your witch knows where you will be meeting. If you
are meeting at an unfamiliar location arrive in good time - referees
tend to be upset by inconvenienced witches, and you may find your place
on the team usurped.
Your Locker Room
Ensure that you have your own private locker-room available for
the purposes for which you intend to employ it. It should be pleasantly
fragranced, and the means for easy transfiguration should be at your
disposal. Having a ready supply of Old Ogdens is always advisable, as
is some good quality chocolates. Some Gillywater is also a good stand-by.
When mildly inebriated, the opposition usually finds it hard to pass up
a good quaffle.
Any copies of Quidditch Illustrated and other similar publications
should be carefully concealed, as these may be misinterpreted by an otherwise
understanding witch.
A coffin as a bed may give a wrong impression, and it is advised
that you change this as rapidly as possible. Any cages that may be lying
around should also be transformed.
Equipment Maintenance
Pre-match hygiene is important. You don't want to be letting the
side down by poor turnout, or making your fellow-gryffindors pass out
because of an excessive use of cologne.
Careful handling of your broom is also important. Make sure that
the shaft is kept clean, and that the handle is washed thoroughly around
all the crevices and folds.
Your twigs should also be kept clean. Some men may express a preference
towards the way a woman's twigs are groomed. A good gryffindor should
never venture to pass comment on these intimacies. Offering to 'groom
her twigs' should be left until a lot later in the season.
Your broomstick should be checked regularly for jinxes and hexes.
This can be done quite easily by yourself, using the valetudinus
charm. For interpretation of the results, please see your appendix.
You will also need to check for knots in the wood, and other changes
in the appearance of the whole broom. This must be done regularly and
manually. Poorly maintained brooms can be dangerous to both yourself and
your fellow players.
Should you detect any problems the correct response is to do something
about. Failing to visit a recognised medi-witch or wizard in these circumstances
is a response worthy only of a slytherin.
Chapter 3 - Sizing
up the opposition.
A lot of pain can be spared by the simple dictum of 'know your
opponent'. Firstly - sizing up the whole playing area is a good idea,
ensuring that you have a good idea of where those Beater bats are, and
where they're likely to be aimed.
Arrive in good time, and take in the lie of the land, noting prices,
setting up a bar tab if applicable, and take into account the other players.
Do not make the mistake of dividing a room into team-mates and opponents
- a Hufflepuff error. Unlikely alliances may be formed, albeit on a temporary
basis, which may be used to good effect.
Firstly look for possible distractions - there is nothing worse
than someone tossing a coin when you're diving for that snitch. All's
fair in love and war they say, and there's no such crime as snitch-knip
here.
Women can be grouped into different types, and trying to size
up your opposition thusly may help to smooth away pre-match nerves better
than the old ogdens, although a dram or two of that wouldn't harm you too
much.
In order to help you plan your game strategy, we have outlined
for your convenience the typical witch in terms you will understand.
Which Witch?
Arrows
Everything a wasp isn't. Fair, kind, generous, and not prone to
throwing hexes. At least, that's what they want to believe.
Bats
She'll be downing them with the lads, as happy as anyone down
the Leaky, after a game. Shake your hand 'no hard feelings' and a fully
paid up member of the team pub fund. She knows she's as good as you,
and she'll commentate on you, when you thought it was you who was the
player in this game.
Treat her as your equal in everything, and pull no punches with
those beater bats, and you'll be doing the plumpton pass in 3.5 seconds.
Catapults
Maybe trampoline would be a better description for these athletes.
Up down, in and out, and you're in the wrong place, on a soft, springy
surface, instead of being fully in control of your broom, like you should
be. They like to take their risks, so watch out for that Wronski feint.
You won't know what's hit you by the time Dangerous Dai-ella's had her
way.
Cannons
Eternal romantics, and possibly a born loser. These girls will
swoon over the suggestion of flowers, never mind what happens if you
buy her any. Try reading 'the smart magician's guide to muggle poetry'
if you want something to impress her. The downside is that they don't give
up on their team, even if they may downgrade their play.
Falcons
Vicious, silent, subtle: there's a reason these birds should be
made to wear bells. Their prey stands little chance against the cruel
beak and approaching claws.
Typically their "handlers" will have bats that will destroy any
ball that isn't a fully bespelled bludger - if you're facing that, they
you can forget catching that snitch!
Handling a 'falcon' your only hope is a quick 'hood' and prayer
she becomes docile. Your opening words will determine your fate. Show
her your strength and she'll respect you.
Harpies
That much oestrogen on a quidditch team is not healthy. Especially
when it means 'handbags at dawn' when it comes to a rival team. Forget
beater bats - they have nothing on these girls. All in it together - except
when it doesn't suit them - they know how to party, and how to ride their
broom.
You won't be in control of any situation with these - they know
their ploys, and you'll be taken for a ride.
Kestrels
smaller and gentler than the falcon, these girls hover at the
edge of the game, biding their time, waiting for the quaffle to come
their way. Underestimate them at your peril - these are resourceful, intelligent
and bewitching.
Magpies
Snitches are just another pretty little bauble to add to the trophy
cabinet. If it glitters, she wants it, and she'll happily pay the price,
just as long as you're paying more.
Prides
She knows who she is, she knows who you're not. If you're reading
this book, then you shouldn't even think about it.
United
Your solid, easygoing quidditch witch. Great to talk to, no need
to apologise too profusely for wanting to talk about the great games you've
played, just as long as you give her stories equal hearing. Happier on
a broom than in the stands, she'll be a willing participant in most games.
Wanderer
Daddies girls, through and through - more protected than gringott's.
She's used to her own way, and having men wrapped round her little finger.
Just make sure her father stays off the pitch during the match and you'll
be fine.
Wasps
Watch out for those goblins hanging round the place. These girls
know where to place their bets, and how to cut their losses. Their only
regret is that they're not meant to use their wands on the opposition.
Chapter 4: Setting up
the match.
There are various factors that one should take into account when
arranging a match for the first time, especially with an established
team. There are plenty of pit-falls, ready to trap the unwary Quidditch
player, and it is our intention to draw your attention to them, in order
to gain a pleasurable detention.
Once you have made your initial contact with the opposition team
captain, one is advised to move to phase II - arranging a match.
Recent Opponents and Form
One should always be aware of the teams that your opponent has
played against recently, whenever this information is readily available.
I know that some of you may consider that ignorance is bliss, but does
one really want to find oneself with a double-booked pitch?
If your witch is a regular player, one should know precisely how
long these games lasted for - in this case one does not want a witch
capable of executing the plumpton pass every week. Games lasting a couple
of months are to be preferred in their recent past - there should be no
exhaustion, while ensuring that the broom hasn’t been allowed to gather
cobwebs. Some players may consider the latter case to be a better bet,
as some teams are so desperate for a game that they’ll play anyone, but
your authors urge caution. These witches may be so used to practicing solo
that they become a lot harder to play against, and may even expect a great
deal more finesse from your clumsy hand passes.
As far as recent opponents are concerned - you do not wish to find
yourself competing with a re-match against a rival team. Be sure that
the last game has finished - on both sides - before the next game commences,
if necessary by conceding the snitch, and then locking it away.
Home or Away
Location, location, location - all good matches depend on atmosphere.
There are some players who prefer to play away, hoping that a witch’s
natural familiarity with her surroundings may lead her to feel relaxed
and let down her guard. It is also possible to use this to your advantage
in order to increase her responsibility for the success of the skirmish.
Cheering team-mates may help boost your confidence, but in the context of
an intense practice session you may find them to be a distraction, and more
of a hindrance than a help. It is best to leave them at home - even the
most mild-mannered supporters may appear like hooligans to the opposition.
Those supporters that gave you the strength to set up an individual encounter
may now also be the broken brooms in the Hogwarts supplies cupboard.
On the other hand, home advantage means just that - you know the
lie of the land, and how the wind blows. Should the practice go on too
late, then you're in the position to offer her a bed for the night. See
also in this chapter 'pick up game
or cup final' for details about choosing a particular location.
Personal Quidditch doesn't rely on the spectators to make the players
feel important. That is entirely down to how you choose to play it. wherever
you choose to play, always have in mind your final desired outcome with
that quaffle and snitch.
A word to wise - playing on neutral ground is not considered advisable.
It gives neither of you a natural advantage to be exploited, and is generally
uncomfortable. The only time this might be suggested is when your cheerleaders
from both sides are liable to drown out whatever delicate manoevres
you were planning to execute, particularly when they are more certain
of the consequences than you are.
Future Engagements
It is not advisable to make pitch bookings too far ahead, nor with
too many different sides. This may lead to embarrassment, due to misjudgment.
If you should find yourself in the happy position that you just
keep letting those snitches out, then perhaps you should acquire your
own pitch, in order to prolong the game.
Hedging your bets as to which team will show is considered poor
sportsmanship, and the player that does that should be grateful to escape
with only minor hexes - twisted engorgement charms are not to be trifled
with, especially when directed to specific parts of the anatomy.
However, it may be considered prudent to have an occasional casual
engagement available at short notice should the need arise. This may
be mutually beneficial, especially when team captains of an older generation
are asking when you’re going to get a team of your own together, and
let them coach again.
Be warned - excessive repetition of this ploy may be disastrous,
and lead to complications, such as anticipated interceptions on the
part of the captains towards your co-conspirator. Do not under-estimate
the fanaticism of Quidditch elders for discovering new talent and training
the new generation.
Weather Conditions
Consider carefully before committing yourself to any matches as
to precisely what conditions you will be playing in, and what the long
range forecast is for your present area. Some witches have an inclination
to drizzle all over your robes - where this is the case, you are advised
to pack your shoulder pads, and make sure you have a good water-proofing
charm on your robes.
Foggy conditions can be hazardous, while mist can lead to a sense
of adventure. Fog is defined when all recognizable landmarks are obscured
at a distance of 20 feet in this case. For the experienced broom-rider
fog can be an intriguing experience, particular if one has good company.
The ideal conditions for riding are of course clear skies, and
a light breeze, but one shouldn’t expect these at all times. In many
cases you may find that there is cloud on the horizon, and the apparent
direction of the breeze is not always an indication that that cloud is
going to stay there.
Snow can be enchanting to begin with, but one really doesn’t want
to be suffering from emotional hypothermia. However well protected you
think you are, a good Gryffindor prefers his witches warm-blooded. Hail
storms are short-lived, unpleasant, and easily weathered.
If you find frost settling in, beware of the cracks that form -
you may later find them tripping you up.
Pick up game, or cup
final
Finally, about the substance of the contest. Is this a pick-up
game, arranged minutes before, or is it something you've had planned
for months? Does your opponent know exactly what is going on - it can
be very hard to stay one step ahead of your witch, but well worth the
effort. She will be surprised if she thinks you're off to "Lunar Phase"
when you're planning on a night at the Muggle opera.
Whichever it is, plan the details where possible. Knowing "Which Witch" will help you gauge this appropriately.
Try to pitch the level of play appropriately - unless she's a Slytherin
and you've got a grudge - the plan is not to utterly humiliate her. Or
even mildly embarrass her. It is to flatter, bedazzle and enchant her
with your skills of illusion and sensation. The aim is to let your magic
play through her robes like a breeze on a broomstick. Whatever the game,
play like a sportsman. Play to win and win with style.
Chapter 5: Employing a referee
You may be wondering how the use of a referee will transfer to the
wider game of Quidditch. Never fear, all will be explained.
As in any sport, there exist various courts of final arbitration,
notably various books that pretend to be the ultimate authority on the
timeless tackle between bedazzling broomsticks. You will note that this
book does not claim a position of final authority, more that it provides
pass notes that will enable you to play the game and play it well. As in
most things the 1473 principle applies – you shouldn’t be given ideas. Many
of the fouls that you can play are held only in the folk memory of the witches,
who are capable of remembering every single yellow card in a generally exemplary
playing record. You, the wizard, are never allowed access to that list unless
you commit one of those fouls, and even then you are expected to guess what
you have done, braving the silencing spells, or even some vicious hexes. When
asked, a Harpies representative commented that “we wouldn’t want to give
them wizards ideas, would we?” before proceeding to demonstrate a few fouls
of her own.
For this reason it is generally suggested that you agree before hand
the rules under which the match will be played, and to which court the
final arbitration will be taken. You won’t ever win, but at least you will
have the satisfaction of knowing that you were actually in a position to
know the rules.
It is not generally considered a good idea to consult the public referees,
as this is tantamount to treachery. Instead, you may prefer to consult
the linesmen to ensure that what you are doing is within the rules.
Generally, it is suggested that you have a reliable female to whom
you can turn for advice. She should have at least a passing acquaintance
with the general rules of play in your area, if not an idea of “the Rules”
that seem to govern witches.
She should be able to tell you what the expected reparations will
be according to any fouls that you may or may not have committed. Note
the may not. Even if she is in the wrong, it is likely that you will be
the one paying the reparations to her, and not the other way around.
Having a referee to whom you can both turn can have both its advantages,
and its disadvantages. The danger is that the referee will find themselves
trapped between two warring teams, and will decide to wash his or her hands
of the entire match. You may also find that witches will naturally team
up, or she may decide that the two of you are ganging up against your opposition.
On the other hand, having a referee that knows both teams well allows
for patterns of behaviour to be picked up and dealt with. Some wizards
have a reputation for foul play, and having a reputable referee will reassure
your witch of your honest intentions, and distance you from the less chivalrous
individuals. It can work equally well to your own advantage, as certain
witches choose to play by “The Rules” as opposed to the standard volumes
on the sport. These include requiring you to cede home advantage to her
for the first three games, and restricting you to purely practice games,
without the real snitch or bludgers, until such time as you are able to demonstrate
you are playing fairly. It is the considered opinion of the authors that
you should not solicit the company of such witches, as, if they are choosing
to play a different game, then it is their look out. It’s rather like an
American wizard coming over and expecting to play Quodpot at the World Cup
Stadium.
A referee that knows only one side is of necessity seen as being somewhat
less than impartial. Although this can be helpful in the long term, in
the short term it can lead to a few minor complications and misunderstandings.
The aim should be that a referee is not needed, and indeed it is possible
to play a game without one. For a game that is in danger of being prolonged,
however, it can be too easy to be wrapped up in the inter-play between
either side, and thereby failing to recognize a blatant foul that would
be called by any others on the field.
Snitchnip in particular can be a problem. For your benefit, we list a
few common fouls.
Blagging – holding your opponent back, in order to prevent
them scoring goals. This is a very serious offence, and tends to occur
later on in a game. However, tendencies may be marked at the earliest stages
of a match, and should be judiciously avoided. If you find yourself repeatedly
looking for a means of scoring the next goal, instead of simply enjoying
the game, then maybe you should be playing a different sport.
Blatching – in this version of the game, collisions can be
engineered with some quite successful results. However childish pranks
are best avoided, unless you are very good.
Cobbing – poor table manners are inexcusable, and the young
wizard is referred to Madame Min’s guide to etiquette and deportment. The
use of elbows at the dinner table is an appalling lack of manners, as it
prevents the house-elves from completing their duties.
Bumphing – Rude gestures to on-lookers are to be avoided. As
young adults you should leave petty rivalries and inter-house squabbles
behind in Hogwarts. There is a danger that you may find yourself endangering
yourself, or upsetting one of her beaters, a situation that is best left
alone.
Flacking – If someone else has reached the goal hoops before
you do, the chivalrous thing to do is to bow out gracefully, and leave
the sour grapes to someone else.
Haversacking - holding onto the quaffle while scoring
is not done. And putting ones hand sans quaffle through the hoop in its
entirety is not something that we even contemplate.
Quaffle-pocking – Having damaged equipment or having damage
inflicted on your equipment is somewhat unpleasant, and one of the few times
that any referee is liable to rule in your favour, provided the damage isn't
due to poor maintenance on your part.
Stooging – more than one player entering the scoring area is something
only done with the consent of all parties, and a good deal more than a
casual acquaintance.
Snitchnip – completing your game and then abandoning it, or
else catching a snitch that was meant for someone else. All may be fair
in love and war, but Quidditch is simply a game, and should therefore be
played in a sporting manner. Some people argue that it is both, but it still
doesn’t excuse being a bad sport.
Chapter 12: Polishing
your Broom
This is an activity that is much overlooked, seen as an unnecessary distraction
by many wizards. We would like to stress the importance of this, and add
that your witch may well thank you for the mastery of the technique. We
would also like to remind you that practice makes perfect in all forms of
the game, and just as you may find a solo flying lesson helpful, so you
may find some good quality time spent maintaining your broomstick.
You may have heard rumours that polishing your own broom may lead to
unfortunate physical abnormalities. These are more likely to be the result
of hexes than any direct causal relation. Should these occur - such as sprouting
twigs from your hands, inability to see the snitch, or an excess of boils
- you are advised to consult your local curse-breaker or Medi-witch. In the appendix you will also find a list of common hexes,
and how they may be removed.
Such pranks are the result of the immature player failing to appreciate
the need for a firm grip on the capabilities of his equipment. It is a normal
and natural activity for a healthy young sportsman such as yourself to
be involved in, and neither is it confirmed merely to ranks of the not
so young. The implication of the insult is that a person who chooses to
fly solo does so only because they are unable to get a quaffle through
the hoop. Might we remind you that "seekers always get the snitch" is true
because they are solo fliers, as well as being part of the team. There is
nothing to stop them handling a quaffle, they choose not to. However they
need the help of their team-mates to catch the snitch, and to make it worthwhile.
It is perhaps a lesser known fact that witches enjoy this activity, in
particular the delicate manipulation of their own quaffles, and it is possible
to enjoy the care and maintenance of your precious Nimbus to mutual advantage.
There is a school of thought that for one to get the best out of a game,
first you must know the moves that you can execute, and how they are best
achieved. Only then can you teach them. Others espouse the method that
practise makes perfect, and that is fun to explore together. It being a
practice, there are no limits to how many times you catch the snitch nor
how many ways there are of finding it in the first place.
There are a few people labouring under the misapprehension that anything
less than the quaffle through the central hoop is not a real game, nor
does it count when making tallies. Aside from the obvious - that making
tallies is not Good Sporting Behaviour - we would say that mutual maintenance
does come under the heading of a significant event, and should not be over-looked.
Technique and Timing
Polishing your broomstick can be used as a warm up for the main game,
or as a game in its own right. This versatile activity can be done on its
own, or in the presence of others, and should not be underestimated for the
variations that can be executed on this theme.
It can be used to test your equipment, to find your preferred flying
style, and to improve your endurance and technique. It can also be used
to check the health of your broom, and is not solely confined to the shaft,
but also the twigs and golden snitches, ensuring that the charms linking
them are smooth, and that sensation is not impaired.
You may like to experiment with different techniques - the simplest is
to grip the shaft like you would your Nimbus - firmly but gentle, and adjust
your grip according to comfort and required response.
You make your own hoop, using your fingers to encircle the shaft, and
then practice scoring with the quaffle, adjusting to check your accuracy
through different sizes of hoop.
As you develop a more intimate understanding of your own equipment, you
may find that a good polish can make all the difference. There are several
sorts available commercially, and of course it is possible to make your own,
using simple ingredients to enhance sensation, and to leave your shaft well
nourished and glossy.
If you decide to use a commercial polish, try rubbing it in using different
techniques - small circles can be very effective, as can very light touches,
and as satisfying in their results as more strenuous efforts. You may find
that your witch is a source of good information on rubbing in polish, and
that it extends far further than simply the shaft.
If you should choose to polish you witch, you may like to ask for a demonstration
of how she likes it done. Follow closely, and note well what she finds
preferable. Of course, one of the best natural polishes is saliva. How
you choose to administer this - whether directly or indirectly, is of course
up to you. It is not advisable to mix commercial polishes with the former
technique.
Polishing your broomstick in the presence of your witch, and not doing
the same for her is very bad sportsmanship, and we refer you to the two
following chapters for advice about technique and registering the score.
It is not true that excessive practice will lead to insanity, stunting
growth, nor is there a limit to the number of times in your life that you
can polish your broom.
Chapter 13: Equal Scoring
It is possible for witches to catch the snitch through various means
- more information is given in the subsequent chapter, “Your witch and
the snitch”. The purpose of this chapter is about the interpretation of
her signals in the contact version of the game.
Although in general Quidditch is a non-contact sport, it has been
discovered by generations of young wizards that the full contact version
yields a great many rewards, not just for themselves, but also for their
witches. It is important that you know what the score is between you, as
a happy witch means a happier wizard, and the best way to keep a happy
witch is to keep the scores approximately even.
You have to be aware that witches and wizards will score things
in very different ways. For a witch, each event counts as one thing, while
for a wizard something big counts for forty points, and something small
for two or three. For your witch, all events are otherwise equal. There are
certain exceptions. Catching the snitch for her on multiple occasions raises
the points score in orders of magnitude, rather than on a simple scoring
scale. Catching the snitch really is worth more than putting the quaffle
through the hoop in this game.
Each bludger handled manfully allows for another quaffle to be scored
through the hoop. Potter passes on her quaffles are an excellent choice
of manoevre, and may assist her in catching her own snitch.
There are certain ways in which you can ascertain as to whether
she has caught her snitch - look out for a response similar to how she
might respond to any happy event – arms thrown out, head back, cries
of gay abandon. These are all good indicators that she has indeed caught
the snitch. You may find that your broomstick is better greased than otherwise,
or that the grip on it is adjusted somewhat, depending on the nature of
her scoring. Do not be surprised if she bursts into tears, hugs you, or
starts praying - this is all completely normal, and will pass with time.
If the words include “deliver us from evil” then I might suggest you be
a little concerned, however.
As in any match, time should be taken to congratulate the seeker
on an excellent result. You should also congratulate yourself on the teamwork
taken to assist her in catching the snitch.
Only when she is quite ready should you continue to try to score
goals - it may be that she prefers to continue the game the following
morning. In this situation, it is important to your position in the league
that you should concede the match, something no captain in a winning position
likes to do. However, it is occasionally necessary. You may find you broomstick
snapped, and your snitches confiscated, otherwise.
Someone suggested the quickest way to telling whether or not she
has caught the snitch is to ask. One is reminded of one sad fact: They
lie.
Fourteenth chapter:
Your Witch and the Snitch
It isn't enough to find the Golden Snitch, grab it and think you've
won the game. This is where your expert tactics are just beginning.
Only if it's been an exceptionally bloodthirsty game do you go straight
to the locker room, no matter how tired you are.
It is generally considered good manners to stay in the land of
the conscious for at least five minutes after catching the snitch, in
order to praise her game-play, and exchange pleasantries about the evening.
Whether you intend to take an early shower and return to your own locker
room, or whether you intention is more companionable, either way, you should
show courtesy to your partner.
A good wizard will take the time to ensure his witch is comfortable,
and to see if she's caught her own snitch.
It may come as a surprise to a wizard that a witch can catch the
snitch, and even more so that, like any game of quidditch, to win the
game does not necessarily mean just putting the quaffle through the hoop
over and over again. A measure of subtlety and finesse is required.
Quidditch in bed should be treated as a game with an infinite
number of possible snitches. Some witches seem able to catch a snitch
3, 4 or 5 times in a row. What the wizard in the street doesn't realise
is that the more times your witch catches the snitch, the better in reflects
on your team as a whole, and particularly you as an individual. You don't
need notches on the bed-post to know a happy witch - the sparks shooting
out of her wand tend to give it away. Especially when she's not in contact
with it.
Your witch may never have caught a snitch before (see 'equal scoring:
how to tell the real thing) so treat her gently. When you've caught
the snitch, don't simply do a victory roll, stay with it, and hold her
in your arms in celebration. Let the victory party start with her bludgers,
with gentle but firm caresses. Witches have their own miniature quaffles,
which they keep near their hoops. if you locate this quaffle, then gently
get a sense of it - feel how small it is, and then run your fingers round
the hoop, before returning to the quaffle, which should give you an idea
of what you're dealing with. Your movements should be firm, and you should
respond to the play, rather than going in with any particular strategy.
Ask her what she wants, and whether she likes it or not. She may
not answer immediately, nor may she answer in any coherent manner. In
this case, the less coherent her manner, the more likely she is to be
enjoying it.
The words 'No, No, No' in this context aren't necessarily a sign
that she wants you to stop. 'Stop' however is. It is the only time when
playing quidditch that the rules do not apply as usual. In fact, by stopping,
you might be accused of 'snitchnip' and forfeit the game, or at the very
least incur severe penalties.
THis is not a time for heroics, nor is it a time to plunge blindly
into an ever-deepening chasm. Take your time to observe the apparent chaos
that presents itself, and act accordingly.
The suggestions below are for guidance only, and do not come with
any guarantee of success. You may want to try a sensitivity charm, on
yourself, so that you do not polish her broomstick too vigorously with
your quidditch hardened hands. Such polishing may indeed be counter-productive,
and fail to achieve the stated objective - that is, that your witch should
catch her snitch.
It has become fashionable amongst some witches to claim that Quidditch
is still Quidditch even if you don't put your quaffle through her hoop.
Sigmund Freud, the inventor of Psychoanalysis (a kind of Muggle Religion
that doesn't have a Deity) wrote that a witch couldn't get the snitch
unless she got your quaffle through her hoop. Many female psychoanalysts
now claim the opposite: that it's all about her own quaffle, and that unless
it is activated, she won't score at all.
While they may have a case, the authors are bound to point out
that this isn't very sporting, and could lead to a total emasculation
of the game. After all, there's only one all-female Quidditch team,
and we know what they're called.
If you become an expert in the manipulation of her quaffle, and
show it respect, your witch will not be tempted to go off and play all
on her own (or in all-women teams). Don't be afraid to ask her
the direction in which it should be approached - her quaffle is much
more sensitive than yours: you REALLY don't want to rub her up the wrong
way, and direct contact may cause discomfort.
To begin with, take her in your arms gently. Try not to direct
all your attention to her bludgers at the expense of missing the hoops.
She is likely to be sensitive to your touch, and may be inclined to make
some noises. This may be considered like a cheerleader's cry, and on no
account should you stop playing. Make use of your hands to caress her all
over, listening to what she's telling you, while at the same time experimenting
to see what gives a response.
You may find that each witch has different areas of sensivity.
Some are universal - such as the area around her own quaffle, and her
bludgers, while others may be more idiosyncratic - her upper arms, or
the nape of her neck. Do not be afraid to try something unusual - she
may find a scoring zone she never knew she had.
Before you play with her quaffle for real, you may like to try
on the practice quaffles on her bludgers. These respond to stroking in
much the same way, and it is possible for her to catch her snitch through
skilful manipulation of these alone.
Her quaffles will respond to different touches as readily as any
well-made broom. Like the firebolt, she will have reactions to most caresses.
However you might want to be aware that these responses may not necessarily
be favourable. Try using different fabrics, or even different broom-polishing
techniques. Just as you may enjoy scoring through all her hoops, she
may well enjoy scoring through yours, and you should be prepared to reciprocate
what you ask or receive from her, as a general rule of thumb.
After a witch has caught the snitch, she may well not want you
to touch her for a little while. If you are near to catching your own
snitch, then complete your ploy, if you are not, then call for time out,
and let her re-group. If it is the first time either of you has caught
the snitch or put the quaffle in the hoop, your reactions may surprise
you.
Some women may not want you to help her catch the snitch. It is
her choice, and not necessarily a reflection on your sportsmanship.
However if she starts cobbing, you may take it as an indication that
your presence is not required.
Appendix:
Corollarium: Bouquet spell - more likely to be mispronouced
than orchideous.
Hobbipod: Hairy feet - both of these can be dealt with
using Mitige! You are advised to this a little at a time, or you
may find yourself going bald.
Insanificate - The basic madness curse. Results in disorientation,
and disordered thought. An unpleasant curse, but wears off quite rapidly.
Similar in nature to a Confundus class charms. If you suspect someone
has been hit by this curse,
Mulceopudendis: Soft Shaft. Do not counter this with a viagra
charm - it can lead to severe complications, including engorgement of the
whole area which can be far more difficult to deal with. There is also the
possibility that this is not caused by a hex.
OrCaecos: Golden Blindness
Orchideous: Flower Spell - may be misheard as "you're hideous".
Pilomanus: Hairy hands. Also may be treated using Mitige.
Priapus - also known as the fourth unforgiveable. This can only
be lifted by consensual sexual activity between two people. This is not a
joke curse, and should not be treated as such. Although it is not technically
an unforgiveable, its use against the will of the participants is subject
to a sentence in Azkaban of varying duration, dependent on intent. The
results of casting, if not lifted are as follows
Saeta Equina - covers the body with horsehair. Somewhat different
from the other hair charms, and not nearly so simple to get rid of. You
are advised to consult a medi-witch as soon as possible
torulus: increases muscle tone, temporarily. Will not create
what isn't there already.
valetudinus: Performs a basic health-check. Purple indicates
pregnancy when used in women (valetudina is the incantation).
Pink is general good health, green requires a health-check. Blue indicates
something that can be treated easily at home.
vesicarius: will protect your golden snitches.
Curtosis - In wizarding terms this means the actual loss of height,
which can result in the the topical or general application of a charm,
hex, cloak or potion. There is a need to prove the loss in height before
any rectifications are made, as the solutions available will not deal with
simple genetics, and may have some horrific results.
Hobbitosis - hairy feet, with or without curtosis. You may well
be turning into a hobbit. This is a normal state for some, but is not always
seen as being desirable. If it is a hex, it will wear off without intervention
within a maximum of a week. If it's not, deal with it. If there is no apparent
reason for this permanent state, please take your family tree for the previous
10 generations with you - this will conclusively prove that you are in
fact a hobbit.
*required elements of the challenge were:
Chapters 14 and 15, and the quote:
"It isn't enough to find the Golden Snitch, grab it and think
you've won the game. This is where your expert tactics are just beginning."
Authors Notes: Thanks to the following for their reviews:
Maria Lupin, Badsight (twice), Avadriel, DM Slashgirl (twice), Dragonwitch27,
DraconisArgenteus, Liz R, EnchantedOnyx (twice), snowbunny, buttermallow,
SoAntigone (twice), magickwizard2000, MuffyTaj, Slowfox, Bella the Dark,
Tan Phoma, Tabitha82, edition1013, Cushie Butterfield, purplefire, Michael
Malfoy, LeChatQuiGardeLaLune, Hermione0018, FangedHinkiepunk, Sarahjane10784
(twice), Devil's mind, Princess Kattera, Fork-tongued angel, Deirdra Dragonheart,
Sirius Like A Bath, M4X, fantasy snapdragon [All on FictionAlley]
webba, kiley, any (thrice) Wheelerchick, Slytherincess, shewhodares,
Elizabeth, Sphinx, Dahlia, Andrian [All on ff.net]
And of course to the wonderful Slytherincess and Sphinx, for beta-ing,
prodding at me, and laughing with me.